Day 2: Tuesday

During 7am AP Biology, I became aware that I felt particularly negative towards a person in my class. I won’t discuss my feelings in depth or what could have caused these feelings to precipitate, but I was aware of and able to recognize the negativity of my feelings. Even though not being particularly warm towards someone seems a situation a bit too trivial to talk “profoundly” about, the negativity really bothered me and distracted me from my normal functioning. As a result, I tried to figure out why I could be feeling this way and also tried to identify precisely what I was feeling and put it into words.

My precise feelings turned out to be more complex and scattered than I had imagined with remnants of resentment, disappointment, and even jealousy and guilt, along with the awareness that I was also reprimanding myself for feeling negatively. In my normal daily life, I reprimand myself very frequently for feeling negatively or badly about someone or something, and I will admit this isn’t the healthiest habit to have. However, I remembered that acceptance of emotions was one of the key tenets to practicing mindfulness, so I tried to accept and come to terms with the negativity I was feeling even though I didn’t fully understand it.

One of the main obstacles I experienced was the unsettling self-reprimandation that threatened to prevent me from fully accepting the feelings I did not want to admit to feeling. Although it is good to have awareness of what you are thinking and be conscious of what your actions or thoughts could mean,  there comes a certain point to where this awareness and inner dialogue borders onto unhealthy over-self-reprimandation. Also, reprimanding can only help you so much; there comes a certain extent to which you cannot change your negative emotions or feelings for the better, and the constant re-analyzation of the situation only causes you to dwell on the negativity longer.

As a result, the best course of action and compromise I made for myself in the end was to keep my self-reprimanding levels to a minimum and practice acceptance of my feelings and emotions more than I usually do, as well as to avoid dwelling on the fact of the negative emotion.

In addition, I realized that because negativity in one form or another is an inevitable part of life,  it is unavoidable when we end up having to learn the best way to deal with things as they come. Acceptance in conjunction with awareness is an effective way to gain insight into ourselves and move on from whatever inner and emotional burdens we may have.  I can say that it has definitely helped me to think and look at my psyche in a different way today.

I also hung out and had dinner with a friend today. Before eating, we went to Hugh Macrae Park and that’s where I laid out on the grass and closed my eyes.  I started relaxing and being mindful of nature, noticing the smell of the grass, the sounds of the geese, the soft pitter patter of the people around us, the hot rays of sun hitting my face, and the feelings of the prickly grass beneath my neck. I focused on all my bodily sensations and enjoyed every moment of this quiet meditation with nature. It felt like time had stopped as I took the moment to quietly reminisce everything around me.